First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

In a gentle way, you can shake the world. 

People tell me I shouldnt have joined the Army due to the undue stress I am going through at the moment. Its not the Army that has done this to me. Its the place I am in, the place I loathe to call my new "home". A lot of time has passed, nearly a year since I stepped off the charter bus into Fort WeGotYou, Arizona fresh from basic training, excited to be free. I never expected an NCO would take the liberty and joy of injuring me. Now I'm stuck here. At first it was ok, then it slowly got worse.

I can honestly say I hate this place, I hate everyone here, and as I type this it literally makes bile form in the back of my throat thinking about it. Hell. This place is my hell. My one solace, being able to leave the base has now been taken away from me due to the First Sergeants grand idea to make all of 1st do weekend CQ in all three barracks, Alpha, Bravo and Echo. I do enjoy the ass kissing. I enjoy being punished for not being adequately entertained during the day because all the "holier-than-thou" Brass comes through the barracks and we need to be out of sight. Classy, yes punish me because I have no where to go. Take what refuge I have away from me. Give the newest platoon gods shining graces in the form of movies and fun time while my broke ass has to find somewhere to hide and hope I dont get yelled at. God only knows its about time I have an explosion on an NCO. I dont care what happens.

If I can stop one heart from breaking, I shall not live in vain. 

The XO found me two weeks ago having a breakdown by the janitors closet because I couldnt take it anymore. Their solution? Make me work with my sergeant. A horrible cure to my problem. Like putting a rug over piss and hoping it covers up the smell as it stagnates. I hate this place. I hate the fact I am being punished for not being able to do anything. Never in my life have i debated that being dead is a far better solution than being here. Disturbing. I hate it.

I went from being a wonderful happy individual, to this....thing I dont know what to call me. Monster thats inside of me. I want it out of me, I want to be away long enough from the company that the thought of ripping my head off doesnt reoccur. Or my dreams go away where people kill me because I want that release. I dont want to cry anymore because I'm so miserable.

E Co. I hate you.  Vile. Disgusting. Virus.

Judge Me, call me crazy, do what you will. I'll voice my opinions without fear of repercussions, because I know I'm right in how I feel, and I know they help I need. I acknowledge that I need it, and I understand what is wrong with me. Deny me my help, deny me my voice. Deny my right to sing and you will see how much pain I am in, and I will ensure you know it everyday. This is my own call to arms, my own mental affirmation that I will do what I can to make everyone understand the hurt I feel.

I will use my voice to wage a war, I will not pick up a weapon. The voice, the soul is louder than any weapon man can pick up, and it doesnt just apply in the Civilian world, but also in the army.

All I want is my peace, the calm in my mind.

Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul - and sings the tunes without the words - and never stops at all.